Dear past me… #carefree

Dear younger me,

I’ve been struggling with a lot of things for the past year. I had a lot going on that I couldn’t handle systematically. I was confused and upset and that deterred me from being able to do exactly what I wanted. Right now, I’m juggling a million responsibilities and I feel really, really overworked and stressed out.

Whenever I look at my list of events and exams that I’ve pinned to the bulletin board, I always think “Gosh, my life sucks right now. I wonder why I grew up”. I keep thinking back on how lucky I was, how I could have done whatever I wanted, not study, sleep early, get up late, watch TV and nobody would have told me anything.

Right now, I feel like there’s so much I should have done when I was little. For instance, I can’t bake cookies or tie a tie. I didn’t watch much TV or make friends and play. I never took a break and stressed myself out a lot. But now? Now’s the time I should be doing those things. Then why do I feel like going off on a picnic on a bike with my friends? Why do I feel that I have reached the end of my patience with all my classes and my busy life? Why is it that I’m more incompetent at handling my academics and my happiness than you were?

It’s because you were too young to be doing it all.

And now, I’m jaded.

It’s because you had big dreams for me. You pushed yourself to the limit for my happiness. You tried to take on more than you were made for, so that I would be happy and comfortable. But I’m tired. I didn’t turn out the way you wanted me to. I’m sorry.

I’ve got Herculean tasks to accomplish, people to impress, sleep to lose and so much more! You’re so fortunate that the only thing you have to worry about is what’s for dinner. Or that test you’ve got, which doesn’t mean much in terms of your whole life’s direction.But here you are, beating yourself up for me to be a better and more successful person.

I guess everyone needs some joy in their life and since you couldn’t get them, I’m trying to live them for you when I actually need to just carry your legacy forward. I desperately need to live the moments you deserved but that would mean that all your work was for nothing. We are working for each other, against each other.

So, I need you to understand that the only way I can be happy is if you were happy. And right now, I need you to do everything that makes you happy. Read to your heart’s content. Watch movies till 1pm. Make friends. Have sleepovers. Bake cakes. Hakuna matata, my friend! This is that phase of your life. A precious pearl.

Don’t kill yourself over every single test. Don’t lose your health in your mission to stay ahead of the game. That’s my job. Don’t kick out our sunny moments. Maybe then, the balance will be retained. And I’ll be sane enough to work hard to achieve our dreams. I’ll be confident enough to know what I want. I’ll be the one fussing over my responsibilities and jobs. That shouldn’t be you.

You are living such a great part of my life, that I would give anything to go back to the time you’re in. You don’t have to worry about me. Worry about you. I can never tell you how much I appreciate you working hard for my benefit. But you’re a child! Be one!

Don’t study when you’re supposed to be watching Code Named Kids Next Door. Don’t memorise things when you ought to be playing softball with your friends. Don’t be afraid to act silly and undignified because now, I can’t do all those things.

I have much on my shoulders. But you? It’s your right to have no worries. If you have a duty, it is to be jolly and fool around and give me good memories. If you’re going to do something for me, then enjoy yourself. There can be no greater gift you can give me that being carefree  when you’re supposed to be.

With tons and tons of love,

Reya ❤︎

PS: I know you’re watching out for a Hogwarts letter. I know what happens too. But I don’t want you to give up your hopes on it, so I won’t tell you what happens. In some parallel universe, you’re going to get that letter. You wait and watch. 🙂

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