It’s not worth it.

So, I am about a year away from college, and you know what that means. It means that this year might as well be the most hectic year of my life (for now, at least), and I’m going to get as little rest as I can. I will constantly be under pressure to do well and more often than not, I’m going to crack under the strain and slip, and I’ll have to claw my way back up-something that is not pretty or easy.

I will constantly be compared to everyone around me, and I’ll have to study my back off to ensure that I live up to everyone else’s expectations (mine apparently don’t count), and also try my level best to be a good allrounder so that even those relatives of mine who can’t spell my name can go and brag about me to all of their friends.

But there are other things that come with this year too. Proving to my parents that I’m ready to handle life. That I can do well on my own, and I’m mature enough to be the grown up that I am. This year is the culmination of all mine and their efforts towards my educational development. And I can’t let them down. Or myself.

To paraphrase all that: it’s one heck of a year. And to be honest, this isn’t something I felt the brunt of in tenth grade, but this year, I do. Perhaps it’s the summation of what I should’ve felt in tenth grade plus what any normal person is supposed to go through this year. Whatever it is, it sucks.


So, I understand that this year is a very difficult one to get though, and everyone in my batch can’t wait for this to get over and for our lives to be relatively peaceful for a few more years. For some, the strain is way too much. Perhaps that’s why there is a high incidence in suicide among people in my year. It’s because there are people who let the fear get to them, get under their skin, and bring them down from the inside.

Now, do not get me wrong-there have been plenty of times that I’ve felt that it was all too much and wonder how amazing it would be if I were to just disappear. Then I wouldn’t have any problems or be a source of worry to anyone. Not being sometimes just seems a better option than being unhappy. But every single time I have a thought like that, I wonder what I would say if I read “Girl kills self because of low math marks” (for example) as a newspaper headline.

I would think “That was stupid! It was just one test. She has her whole life ahead of her!”. Again, let me elaborate on two things:

  1. I’m aware that a lot of times, it isn’t just one test or just one incident that sends you over the edge-it’s the cumulative worry, hurt, fear and self-hatred from every single thing that has been going wrong in your life.
  2. In no way do I mean to trivialise the victim’s feelings by calling them stupid. I’m perfectly aware of how upsetting some things can be. All I want to say is that even if the decision was premeditated, it was a bad one.

And it’s no use looking at me like that-you know as well as I do that nothing is worth a human life. You are too precious to this world to go and slice your own throat. Don’t believe it because someone’s just put that out on the internet (I know how shallow some Tumblr quotes can sound even though they aim to make us understand how important and loved we are), believe it because this is coming from somebody who knows exactly how it feels to be ignored and disdained.

Sometimes, it feels like everything is going off on track all at once, and nothing you do can correct it. You feel hopeless, trapped and incapable of doing anything. You fall in your own eyes. You watch others prospering, torn between the happiness for them and the resent against them and the misery of your own troubles. It’ s like sinking in a mire that pulls your harder every time you try to get out.

Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean that everything is over.


“Don’t let it get to you. It’s going to be fine. Just steam ahead”. Well, that’s definitely easier said than done. But you know what? There’s just nothing else to do! There is no other way you can pick yourself up other than accepting the situation and patiently working as honestly as possible to get yourself out of it.

A few weeks ago, a boy as old as me (from another institution) committed suicide. It was one of the most disturbing things that I’ve heard about this year. Some of my classmates actually knew him and they were thoroughly shaken. The saddest part about this is that this guy really did kill himself over one test that he had done very badly. Just one test.

When I heard that, I didn’t know whether to laugh or be shocked. If he was going to do that to himself, I didn’t know what I ought to be doing with all my tests going out of whack. I did have some sleepless nights. It’s one thing to just hear about a random stranger years older than you take their life, but when you actually stand in the shoes of his peers, it’s scary.

I don’t know how effective it’d be if I just put up positive messages here. But I want you to know one thing: everybody has dark thoughts in their life. Even some of the most famous and wonderful people have those days. Everybody. That bully in class. That judgemental girl. That rude boy. That obnoxious teacher. Those onlookers that laughed at you. Everybody does. No one is happy all the time. And it’s human to feel upset. In fact, when you’re sad, you should let it all out.

But when your thoughts go to the blacker end of the spectrum (in terms of darkness, I mean) please please please tell someone. Tell someone how you feel, because you need to talk about it. You need to know how valued you are. And if there isn’t anyone around you who you feel really cares about you, hang in there. Wait. Stop. Eat. Do something. Anything  except taking a drastic step.


If you live in an uncomfortable environment, take baby steps to get yourself away from there. If you’re not doing as well at school, take it slow and try to get better. The person who you like doesn’t love you back? Honey, they probably weren’t good enough for you. There’s someone out there for you who you just haven’t met yet. Getting body shamed? Body-slam your haters and eat some cake. {Cake always makes me feel better}

Change is an ongoing process, and hardly anything big happens overnight.

Impulsive actions often lead to your doom.  You want to see the world, don’t you? You want to be happy. You want to have everything you want and share it with the people you love. You can’t do that if you’re lying at the bottom of some bridge, hanging from some fan, bleeding yourself dry or something.

Think about the people you’re going to hurt. The people who made you such an important part of their existence, crying over your lifeless body. Think about that sunset you wanted to see, that concert you wanted to attend, that Disneyland ride you haven’t been on yet. That car you wanted to drive, that company you wanted to own, that dress you wanted to wear.

Do you really want to let go of it all for some spur-of-the-moment hotheadedness? Do you want to leave all your dreams behind just because some bully felt he had the right to shoot his mouth off about you?

No. You shouldn’t. You should get up, go out there and chase those dreams. You can do it. You CAN do it.   Need I tell you the story of President Lincoln who suffered a NERVOUS breakdown among other horrible things, before moving on to occupy the White House?

I’m not going to tell you that people have it worse than you and that you shouldn’t complain. Honestly, anyone can get hurt and the mere fact that people have it worse out there doesn’t give anyone the authority to trivialise someone’s feelings. But you should know that nothing comes easy.

All good things to those who persevere. -Me, Alpha

You can make it. You don’t want to work so hard and throw it all away in a second of frustration, only to find out that you were a hair’s breadth away from your goals. Don’t give up on life. You weren’t born to be miserable. You’re a boon to this world. You’ve just go to remind everyone of that.

Taking your own life is never the answer. Never, ever. Dying is not worth it. Life is. Life is beautiful. It’s wonderful. It’s short and must be treasured. You are treasured.

As I read somewhere on this internet: Suicide is too permanent a solution (I personally think it’s not a solution, though) to a temporary problem. Hear that? Temporary. Everything can be fixed (as Leo’s mother would say). Everything.

Hope this reaches out to y’all.

Loads of love,

Alpha ❤︎



4 thoughts on “It’s not worth it.

  1. I totally followed you all the way through. Everything you said is true. There is remedy to everything, except for death. I have written some articles about motivation and inspiration, hoping that the ones who read them feel better and understood. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad that you found meaning in this post. It’s something I found important to tell the world. I think it’s wonderful that you’ve written articles about motivation and inspiration- there are loads of people out there who are going to benefit form them-it’s what the world needs. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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