B positive

Two negatives make a positive, and two positives make me barf.

Disclaimer: Read the entire thing before deciding I’m a negative person. This article is not about trying to see the bright side in general, but what has now become the idea of positivity and shying away from the things we feel.

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Look what you made me do- and be afraid.

I don’t like your kingdom keys

They once belonged to me

You asked me for a place to sleep

Locked me out

And threw a feast

I just came across Taylor Swift’s new single- Look What You’ve Made Me Do. I’m not here to diss the track or speculate about who she’s talking about. For once, I want to be someone who sympathises with a singer, about how their music is an out for their despair or joy.

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To engineer or not to engineer?

I’m an Indian.

It’s so funny how, most Indians would immediately sympathise (and probably empathise too) with me the second they read the title and the first line. And with anyone who’s noticed the huge influx on Indian immigrant engineers in the States or anywhere else in the world, this might be some sort of a joke. Something you chuckled at. Well, let me tell you that for someone in the eye of the storm, it is NO laughing business.

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Great expectations?

If my mother found out I was writing this post right now, she’d lecture me for an hour about wasting my time, during which I would not be allowed to do anything except listen to her shamefaced, with a hanging head and after which I would be indignant, rebellious, annoyed, restless, frustrated and on the whole, completely miserable. (So much using my time wisely, mom!) Why, you ask?

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My last week of happiness

So, for a twelfth grader Indian, this is the worst time of the year. And quite possibly of their entire life.

Oh, I thought you’d never ask why.

Twelfth grade is the year right before college, so doing well in your twelfth grade exams could literally make or break your entire life. No pressure, though. Don’t try to kill yourself because you think you can’t take it. (Though unfortunately, that could be said to be a common occurrence here thanks to-oh well, read on.)

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They’re people too. #celebrities

AN: Sorry, I haven’t posted in a while because I had my terms, but now I’m back in business, baby! Or at least, what I think business is, anyway.

So, I’m sure a lot of you have heard about the Brangelina debacle. For those of you who haven’t, I’m just going to say that Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. Why?

Good question. And I’m about to give you a great answer: It’s none of your business. If you think it is, I challenge you to a have a debate with me about it. Write a solid speech, with good points and let’s go through all the motions of formal debate and watch me kill the lights in your eyes when I have had my say.

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It’s not worth it.

So, I am about a year away from college, and you know what that means. It means that this year might as well be the most hectic year of my life (for now, at least), and I’m going to get as little rest as I can. I will constantly be under pressure to do well and more often than not, I’m going to crack under the strain and slip, and I’ll have to claw my way back up-something that is not pretty or easy.

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Dear past me… #carefree

Dear younger me,

I’ve been struggling with a lot of things for the past year. I had a lot going on that I couldn’t handle systematically. I was confused and upset and that deterred me from being able to do exactly what I wanted. Right now, I’m juggling a million responsibilities and I feel really, really overworked and stressed out.

Whenever I look at my list of events and exams that I’ve pinned to the bulletin board, I always think “Gosh, my life sucks right now. I wonder why I grew up”. I keep thinking back on how lucky I was, how I could have done whatever I wanted, not study, sleep early, get up late, watch TV and nobody would have told me anything.

Right now, I feel like there’s so much I should have done when I was little. For instance, I can’t bake cookies or tie a tie. I didn’t watch much TV or make friends and play. I never took a break and stressed myself out a lot. But now? Now’s the time I should be doing those things. Then why do I feel like going off on a picnic on a bike with my friends? Why do I feel that I have reached the end of my patience with all my classes and my busy life? Why is it that I’m more incompetent at handling my academics and my happiness than you were?

It’s because you were too young to be doing it all.

And now, I’m jaded.

It’s because you had big dreams for me. You pushed yourself to the limit for my happiness. You tried to take on more than you were made for, so that I would be happy and comfortable. But I’m tired. I didn’t turn out the way you wanted me to. I’m sorry.

I’ve got Herculean tasks to accomplish, people to impress, sleep to lose and so much more! You’re so fortunate that the only thing you have to worry about is what’s for dinner. Or that test you’ve got, which doesn’t mean much in terms of your whole life’s direction.But here you are, beating yourself up for me to be a better and more successful person.

I guess everyone needs some joy in their life and since you couldn’t get them, I’m trying to live them for you when I actually need to just carry your legacy forward. I desperately need to live the moments you deserved but that would mean that all your work was for nothing. We are working for each other, against each other.

So, I need you to understand that the only way I can be happy is if you were happy. And right now, I need you to do everything that makes you happy. Read to your heart’s content. Watch movies till 1pm. Make friends. Have sleepovers. Bake cakes. Hakuna matata, my friend! This is that phase of your life. A precious pearl.

Don’t kill yourself over every single test. Don’t lose your health in your mission to stay ahead of the game. That’s my job. Don’t kick out our sunny moments. Maybe then, the balance will be retained. And I’ll be sane enough to work hard to achieve our dreams. I’ll be confident enough to know what I want. I’ll be the one fussing over my responsibilities and jobs. That shouldn’t be you.

You are living such a great part of my life, that I would give anything to go back to the time you’re in. You don’t have to worry about me. Worry about you. I can never tell you how much I appreciate you working hard for my benefit. But you’re a child! Be one!

Don’t study when you’re supposed to be watching Code Named Kids Next Door. Don’t memorise things when you ought to be playing softball with your friends. Don’t be afraid to act silly and undignified because now, I can’t do all those things.

I have much on my shoulders. But you? It’s your right to have no worries. If you have a duty, it is to be jolly and fool around and give me good memories. If you’re going to do something for me, then enjoy yourself. There can be no greater gift you can give me that being carefree  when you’re supposed to be.

With tons and tons of love,

Reya ❤︎

PS: I know you’re watching out for a Hogwarts letter. I know what happens too. But I don’t want you to give up your hopes on it, so I won’t tell you what happens. In some parallel universe, you’re going to get that letter. You wait and watch. 🙂


Purpose? What?

Aah, today’s prompt just speaks to me on a whole new level: purpose.

Why am I doing what I’m doing? Does this lead me down a greater path? What’s my destiny?

As someone going through a really rough patch, I can tell you that this prompt speaks to me. It’s my friend. We have conversations at 3 a.m, okay? It gets me.

Anyhow, I’m at a stage in my life where I’ve got to decide exactly what I want to do with it. And since I’m old enough to be a mature person, everyone figures I’ve already got a whole plan chalked out and I’m rearing to start off with the next phase of this plan. So when I say I don’t know, I get the look.

Oh you know the look. That one look you get when you’re in grade three and you can’t tell your class what 2 plus 2 is. That look you get when you’re in the MasterChef top twelve and you don’t know what fennel looks like. This is that look, ladies and gentlemen, that you get when you’re 45 and you still think the tooth fairy exists.

What? You don’t know? And then they just look away with that sceptical smirk and try not to tell you how sorry they feel for you. Well, hear it loud and clear, guys: I DON’T KNOW. And this is normal! Loads of people have no idea what they want to do at this point of their life and it is completely okay to be confused. I have time! I never knew why people expected me to suddenly just know what to do and be completely sure about it. I mean, it’s a big life decision; surely it’s normal to have some second thoughts about it? So what do you want, huh? Why do you think I should know?

I’ll tell you why.

It’s because there’s a class of annoying people who, from a very young age, have had a fixed notion of what they want to do, where they want to go, and how they’re going to go about it. This usually happens because of parents prompting their children, or because of someone these children have seen and idolised. From when they were wearing diapers, till when they’re eighteen years old, they’ve got this one-track mind that does not care about anything else.

Now, don’t get me wrong, because that’s awesome! It’s great to see someone who’s ambitious, confident about what they want, and are working hard to reach their goals. I understand that. I wish I were like you. But don’t you think you’re being a little too rigid and fixed? You see, when you have no idea what to do, you’re more open to suggestions. And who exactly decided what you wanted to do? Don’t come and tell me that you wanted to be a particle physicist when you were in sixth grade. Do you know about particle physics? Have you studied it? Are you confident you’d like it? Are you confident you’d be good at it? Do you have a back-up plan? You frustrate me, being responsible and level minded and all of that. You make me think I give our generation a bad name by being clueless.

Kidding. Honestly though, I admire these guys a lot because they have a strong sense of purpose and that’s essentially what keeps us going. Nothing matters if you don’t feel like you have a purpose.

I would know because there was this one exam I really wanted to do well in, but I didn’t. For years, it was my only purpose and hope and I couldn’t clear it. I was devastated, but now, after that, I feel strangely purposeless. I don’t feel like I have anything to work for, so I don’t. I do nothing. It’s the most hopeless feeling ever. Now, I just feel terrible

No motivation. This is why when people feel hopeless, some go to extremes and kill themselves. It’s because we all look for a purpose in life. Nobody wants to be useless, a burden or just plain exhausted from not doing anything. When you don’t have something to drive you, you feel useless. And you don’t do anything as well as you could because you don’t want to do anything.

I think I know why sad aimlessness is often associated with depression. It’s because feeling devoid of purpose is the most scarring thing that can happen to a person. You feel like a weed in a beautiful garden. Unwanted, unneeded, and simply forging ahead to further the existence of your race for no particular reason.

So, when things go wrong, I sit and wonder what my purpose is. And no, I don’t look for small things like “getting that house”, or “getting a good job”. I reflect on what exactly I’m doing here. Why am I standing here and using resources? Why?

I often wonder why we do what we do. Humans have developed a complex system of survival. We dig oil wells, sing songs, write books and handle bank transactions among a million other things, so that we have good food and clean water (most importantly).

But nobody knows what exactly we’re doing here, and people have been searching for millennia for a clue as to what our existence could possibly mean. But no one has yet provided concrete proof for this, because everyone has different stories and you never know which to believe. And so, people are afraid. We don’t know the ultimate purpose of life, so we create small, temporary ones.

So if you’re feeling confused or upset or directionless, don’t fret. Everybody is going through the same thing! Nobody is born with the knowledge of their purpose. Sometimes it takes forever to figure out what your calling is. We’re all just making up our own plans as we go along. Nothing is permanent, stable or fixed. Nothing has meaning until we consciously look for one and extrapolate it. Give yourself time and never, ever give up.

You know why? Even though we don’t yet know what we’re supposed to do, there is one thing that’s blatantly obvious. You weren’t born to just get upset and die or give up or have terrible things happen to you. The universe wouldn’t have had you exist if it didn’t want you in some way. In some way (though we don’t know yet), you’re needed. There would be no point of you if you were to just be born and kill yourself. That’s just a waste of resources and the universe doesn’t want that. So somehow, there is a reason you’re here. There is a reason we’re all here. You can’t find that out alone, so help someone. Let someone help you.

So I’m creating a temporary purpose for you. Enjoy your journey and be true to yourself. Stand up for what you believe in. Be independent and don’t be with people who don’t deserve you. Love yourself. Do what you love.

We, as a species, still have a long way to go in figuring ourselves out. We create problems and solve them. We look for meaning in relationships with others. We build beautiful things and tear them down. We laugh, we cry and we sing. Anything to distract us from the unbearable truth: we still don’t know our ultimate purpose. We do what we can to keep ourselves busy and get by in this bittersweet experience called life.


Reya ❤︎